At my apartment, we take leftover pizza very seriously.
Nobody can figure out who’s stealing all the leftovers.
They have a system, okay, and Bruce spent a lot of time on the color-coded sorting method, and you don’t take other people’s food, but someone is doing it.
So, instead of mentioning to the others, as a rational team would do, they take matters into their own hands.
Tony wants to make a complicated booby trap, but realizes just how badly Pepper will yell at him, so he just puts a complicated technological lock on the gold-tinted tupperware designated as his.
Steve leaves a strongly worded note on the blue-tinted tupperware, with very detailed and specific threats. Pepper sees the note when getting milk for her coffee, and immediately decides to pretend she didn’t so she’s not liable if the threats are carried out.
Natasha’s leftovers just vanish from the fridge, and nobody can figure out where she hid them.
Clint mostly just sits in front of the fridge, glaring at anyone who dares to come near it.
Bruce just leaves a sticky note: “Taking my food will make me angry. You won’t like me when I’m angry.”
Thor balances Mjolnir on top of his food.
Loki rigs his to explode if anyone besides him touches it.
Come the next morning, it’s all gone. Every last scrap. Natasha’s is gone from wherever she hid it as well, if her stormy expression is anything to go by.
Breakfast is awkward, to say the least.
“Okay, look,” Steve finally says. “Just whoever ate the food, fess up and we can move on.”
Nobody says anything.
* * *
“I put a camera up last night,” Tony says, dressing gown flowing behind him like a cape as he storms dramatically into the kitchen a few mornings later. “Now, we’ll finally know.”
They crowd around the kitchen counter, staring intently at the monitor.
“Nothing, nothing,” Tony mutters, fast forwarding the tape. “Nothing, more nothing—hang on—”
“Is that Coulson?” Natasha asks, incredulous.
“Goddamn, it is,” Steve says, shocked. “I think he’s sleepwalking.”
They sit there in silence for a few minutes, watching Phil blatanly disregard their signs and disable their traps.
Finally, Bruce breaks the silence. “Was I the only one that didn’t know Phil lived here?”
“I had no idea.”
“Not a clue.”
“I was not aware.”
“Pepper!” Tony shouts. “Did you know Coulson lived here?”
“He moved in three weeks ago,” Pepper says as she enters the kitchen. “For superheroes, you’re all fairly unobservant.”